I Hate the Samsung Galaxy S9

May 18, 2018

4 mins read

Designed by an imbecile. A Review. Important I get those sentences the correct way around.

It is without a doubt my least favourite smartphone I’ve owned. It’s not a terrible phone but it is a terrible Android flagship phone and my least favourite Samsung. I’ve had the S, S3,S5, S7 edge. I’ve got an original Note 8.0 AND a Note 10 2014.

I like Samsung stuff is what I’m saying.

Here’s the top 3 things that mean it’s going to become the first phone I’ve ever sold on during contract.

The stupid thin bar shape

The official reason for this is because content is consumed vertically on a smartphone. V true, however, you only really look at the middle section and then scroll. You might be different but I’ve yet to see anyone who starts at the top, gets to the bottom and then scrolls.
If you are one of those people were you sitting there going: “I sure do get tired of having to scroll so often. What I really want to do is move my eyes up and down a further distance”. Tired eyes, free with the S9

Know what else people do vertically on their smartphones? Type!

Know what’s harder to do with a thinner phone? Type!

What about another freebie ? They are good to you. How you fancy some sweet black bars when you turn the phone sideways to watch stuff full screen? You do ? Well have I got the phone for you!

Do you like watching Twitch vertical mode so you can join in harassing a lady doing no harm to anyone ? Well you still get a smaller video because it’s a thin stupid shape. Fuck you. Don’t buy our phones.

The curved edges of the Screen

Useless. Just makes the phone harder to grip. The edge bar is junk that I just turn off since I could find no real good use for it. It’s been turned off since the S7 edge, same as everyone else, and it just gets activated accidentally sometimes to stop you accidentally having enjoyment from a £700 phone.

Killer feature : It nicely fucks up having to press some things in corners and edges.

The Fingerprint Reader / Button removal

Nice work folks, we got the whole front pretty much a screen. No space for that so old fashioned useful button on front tho. I know ! Let’s stick the fingerprint reader up and around back where they can put their mucky paws all over the camera lens and put some really crap haptic feedback down the bottom. They won’t need to use it anyway because we’re going to blast them in a face with a red laser like the Men in fucking Black when they want to unlock their phone. It’s not ideal but it’s the cost you pay to have a crap typing experience and black bars like when TVs were 4:3 squares boxes with a small car sized box hanging off the arse of it. Retro full screen viewing. It’s what the markets never knew they wanted. 5 stars

Not all these things are exclusive to Samsung in industry terms but I’m having none of it until I must.
I dunno, maybe I’m weird, I don’t see big sites mentioning this sort of stuff as being crap enough so maybe it doesn’t bother anyone else.

I’ve not taken to this phone at ALL

Unnecessary buttons